Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
