i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
