This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize