I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
