you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We left the knife in your bed.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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