I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
