we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
