He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
