I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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