Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
