I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
