When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
