just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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