I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
