I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
