i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
