She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
