Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
