This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
