I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So much rum. So many feels.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
