what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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