Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
