just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
