he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
