she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
