So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
