I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize