I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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