i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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