I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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