I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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