What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize