just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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