it hurts more in the daytime
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
