I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
