bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
