Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
