well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
