Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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