Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
