I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
