While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
