90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
