I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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