I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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