my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
