I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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