You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
