Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
