i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
