"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
