you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
