Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
