woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The air taste purple.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
