so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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