i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
