Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
