she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You are a genius and a whore.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
