I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
