I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
