sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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